“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”—George Bernard Shaw
Did you know that the words we say almost certainly do not communicate what we truly mean? We need a lot of grace with one another when we discuss difficult things because of two factors:
- the limitations of language, and
- the depth of our human experience.
Language is a way to symbolically represent our inner experience. Our brains are made such that we are able to attach sounds to specific objects, actions, thoughts and emotions. Despite the beauty of such a design, it is limited by its symbolic nature. A symbol of a thing can never capture the full essence of its inspiration. If I say the word “green,” it most certainly conjures an image in your mind. But are you thinking of the same shade of green? I would imagine there are as many shades of green as there are individuals to see it. Now think of trying to communicate a complex emotional experience in all of its detail. How much more difficult, and potentially misunderstood, might that be?
We all have our own unique experience of reality that is shaped by past experiences, culture, biology and language. We usually believe our personal experience of reality to be accurate and objective, though it is always shaped by these lenses. And it is the same with every other person with which we attempt to communicate. There are quite literally a set of unique filters on both the sending and receiving ends, which makes it a wonder we are able to communicate at all!
So here’s the thing… give each other some grace. Communication is the responsibility of both parties. And it requires a lot of flexibility.
If you are the receiver, check-in to make sure you are interpreting the message correctly, and remain open to the idea that you may not yet understand. Listen to understand, not just to respond. Restate what you heard, and be open to their corrections of your interpretation. Ask clarifying questions to get a better picture.
If you’re the sender, you may think you’ve been extremely clear, but who knows what filters might be affecting your message on either end? Take the responsibility of communicating clearly, accurately, and rethinking your approach if the original words aren’t getting the message across.
If both sides are willing to work together, the illusion of communication can be turned into reality.
From Matt Thames, LPC